Pretty much everyone who knows me in real life has noticed that I’m now a Trekkie. And no, I do not apologize for being an obnoxiously enthusiastic fan. The real world is a mess, and I need to just unabashedly enjoy art made by humans, even if it’s cheesy.

Anyway, over the last few months, one of my best friends and I have been slowly making our way through all of the episodes of Star Trek The Original Series (hereafter TOS), and this summer, we moved on to watching the TOS-related movies. We’d both seen a couple of these, but not for years, so they were like new to us. And it was a fun experience to revisit these characters in feature films with bigger budgets (bigger than the show, at least, not bigger by today’s standards).

So, mostly for me to record my thoughts somewhere (because who on Earth or Vulcan is going to read and care about this except me from the future?), I thought I’d rank all the TOS Trek movies in a post here. And by “the TOS Trek movies” I mean all the movies from The Motion Picture to The Undiscovered Country. I haven’t included the movie Generations in this list, although Kirk is in it, because I have barely begun my full watch-through of Next Generation and so haven’t reached that point in the Trek timeline.

Spoilers for all six of these movies, as well as probably TOS, ahead.

6. Star Trek: The Motion Picture

If I were to describe this movie in one word, it would be “boring.”

Sorry to anyone who likes this movie (if you’re out there), but I’m not among your number. To me, this movie is not good, though I almost was entertained… you know, in a Mystery Science Theater kind of way. My friend and I agreed that we’d have had a better time if we’d been tipsy, but sadly we had to sit through this sober.

Okay, let me back up. First and foremost, the pacing of this movie is abysmal. I get it, filmmakers, you have a model of the Enterprise, but we don’t need to spend THREE AND A HALF MINUTES panning around it slowly! And then there are multiple sequences of the ship slowly flying through space, or toward the entity known as V’Ger, with absolutely no dialogue. All of these sequences could have easily been conveyed in a quarter of the time they take up, but instead we have to sit through their endless, interminable entirety, and it’s agonizing. It really makes the entire movie feel like it was an unused script from the show that they stretched to feature length, but badly.

Beyond the pacing, the wasted potential is frustrating! For all the padding to the runtime, I don’t understand why the filmmakers didn’t use their time to develop the characters and their arcs better (instead of just showing us the ship, and showing us the ship, and showing us the ship, and showing—). Both Kirk and Spock start the movie in really interesting places, character-wise, and I wanted to explore how they’d gotten there, and why. But no! We just had to look at the model of the ship! Admittedly, there are a couple good action scenes, and some excellent moments between Kirk and Spock in the last act, but there was not enough of either! This movie was just SO bogged down by the slow pace.

(Granted, my opinion of this movie might be a little skewed, because I watched this approximately twenty-four hours after watching Pacific Rim for the first time in my life. And let me tell you, the downward shift in quality from that stellar adventure to this tedious thing was striking.)

If (and boy do I mean IF) I ever rewatch this, the fast-forward button will be my best friend. How on earth did a sequel to this ever get greenlit?

5. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

In a word this is probably… “weird.”

I didn’t hate this one, though I fully understand why some people might. But for me, it’s leagues better than The Motion Picture! That’s a low bar, but still.

My main complaint is that it didn’t feel or look like Star Trek! It looked like Star Wars, especially the scenes in Paradise City (no, not the Guns N Roses song), which could have been swapped halfway through with the cantina from A New Hope and I wouldn’t have even noticed. And I swear some of the sound effects were straight out of Star Wars. It was so weird and really took me out of the story.

Another thing I didn’t love was the retconning. From minor details like Kirk being an avid rock climber (since when?!) to major plot twists like Sybok being Spock’s half-brother, this was full of random revelations. And to what end? This story didn’t have nearly as much to say as other Star Trek movies, so why put these things in?

However, it wasn’t all bad. I see what they’re going for, making the antagonist a stand-in for cult leaders and televangelists, and that’s interesting. Further, there were quite a few good moments between Kirk, Spock, and Bones throughout (although the “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” scene made me cringe. Shatner, you couldn’t have picked a less juvenile song?). Especially between these three characters, there are some touching moments. And despite the strange nature of the overall storyline, I was invested the entire time.

And then there’s the only line in this movie that matters: “What does God need with a starship?” Frankly, this almost singlehandedly made this middling movie worth watching. What a good line. Am I going to rush to rewatch this one, though? Probably not.

4. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

My one-word description for this one was easy to choose: “underrated.”

This was almost third place in my ranking. In fact, after I finished it, I was sure that I knew what my top three were going to be. However, fourth place is actually correct for this movie (but more on the top three later). This movie is actually wonderful, though I think it being bookended by two spectacular movies means that it’s often overlooked. But frankly, just as you can’t have Kirk without Spock, you can’t have the fourth movie without this one!

Surely no other piece of TOS-related media better demonstrates Kirk’s devotion to Spock than this movie. Because even if he’s not the titular character, this movie is basically Kirk’s finest hour. He’s a badass, jail-breaking McCoy, defying Starfleet orders, beating up violent Klingons, and not letting anyone or anything keep him from his goal: saving the most important person in his life. Frankly, I’m obsessed. Find yourself a life partner who cares about you like Kirk cares about Spock.

That said, this isn’t quite as strong as its chronological predecessor. I wasn’t nearly as invested in David and Saavik’s scenes as in Kirk’s, and to be honest, when I rewatch this movie, I am ABSOLUTELY skipping the pon farr scene on Genesis. And listen, I know it’s a medical emergency, and Spock’s body needs help to survive, and nothing is explicit (the movie is rated PG), but STILL. It feels very weird, consent-wise and age difference-wise and I did not care for it at all and I would like to never think about it again, please.

That aside, though, this movie is pretty fantastic. I’ve already touched on why I love Kirk in it, but the rest of the crew also have some amazing individual moments (special shoutout to Sulu judo-flipping that guy). Plus, Christopher Lloyd is in this, and it was fun to see him as a villain. And there are several lines that I honestly can’t stop thinking about, mostly this exchange:

Sarek: “Kirk, I thank you.”
Kirk: “What I did, I had to do.”
Sarek: “But at what cost? Your ship, your son.”
Kirk: “If I hadn’t tried [to save Spock], the cost would have been my soul.”

And people say that the odd-numbered ones are BAD?! Have they watched THIS ONE?!

3. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

In a word, “unexpected.”

Mostly I use that descriptor because I knew basically nothing about this one going in, even more than the others. The only thing I knew was that Christopher Plummer played a Klingon, which obviously is not much to go on. And I had an incredible time!

Not only is this a beautiful send-off to the original cast and a loving farewell to the late Gene Roddenberry, but it’s also a really well-paced and plotted adventure. The fact that the core of this story revolves around solving a crime made me really happy. As a Sherlock Holmes girlie, I was living for it. And the revelation that Spock is descended from that very detective (or maybe from Conan Doyle? Unclear) is delightful. Plus, the twist about who was involved worked super well, to me, as someone who rarely sees twists coming.

Moreover, the Cold War parallels are tremendous, even all these years later, and I’m sure they hit even harder when this movie first came out. The themes of prejudice/racism worked well, too, and I especially liked Kirk’s personal journey throughout this movie. Was it weird that only now, two entire movies after the death of his son, did any of that emotional fallout occur? Yes. But at least it was addressed at all!

Another strong element of this was the supporting cast. Obviously, Christopher Plummer makes an awesome antagonist, with his creepy eye patch and constant quoting of Shakespeare (or Hitler, as the case may be—peak villainy right there). But there’s also the actor who, as pointed out by my friend, plays Sisko’s father in DS9, as well as Michael Dorn playing Worf’s ancestor! Super fun.

Random anecdote: I think I briefly channeled the spirit of the captain, because at the end of the movie when Spock suggested they should tell Starfleet to “go to hell,” I instantly shouted “I love you” in response. I feel that was very Jim Kirk of me. Anyway, this movie rocks.

2. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

For me to describe Voyage Home in one word is hard, but also easy: it’s “delightful” (and all its many synonyms).

I love this movie a ridiculous amount. It’s so much funnier than I expected or remembered, despite the important mission the crew is on. I love that so many of the side characters get cool moments, especially McCoy in the hospital and Scotty in the plexiglass factory. And it’s delightful to have Kirk and Spock working together again after all the drama of Search. Plus, having them deal with 1980s Earth is hilarious.

I also love the environmental conservation themes, which hold even more relevance today. And the character of Gillian is excellent; her banter with the leads is wonderful. I just wish, considering the theme about saving the whales, that the crew had sunk the whaling ship. Klingon vessels have guns, guys! I think at least damaging that ship would have been justified! Come on, Jim, you let me down!

But that aside, this movie is brilliant. It’s well-paced and has a flawless balance of action and character-arc-furthering moments. The humor is spot-on, it’s exciting, and it’s moving. I particularly love Spock (obviously), and one of my favorite scenes is at the end between him and Sarek, where we see that Spock has resolved his arc of accepting his emotions, an arc which has spanned three seasons of tv and now four movies. Incredible.

This movie is now in my rotation of comfort watch movies, a lighthearted romp that still has a strong thread of drama, but is, at its heart, fun. And it serves as the perfect conclusion to the Genesis plotline.

My favorite character in this, however, is the punk on the bus played by producer Kirk Thatcher.

1. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

One word review: “masterpiece.”

We all know it. I almost put Voyage Home as my number one, but that just can’t be. Voyage has, I think, more mass appeal as a sci-fi time travel adventure, and you don’t have to know much about Trek lore to enjoy it. But Wrath of Khan is a Trek movie for Trekkies, while also being a phenomenal sci-fi adventure that non-fans can probably still enjoy. It succeeds on basically every level.

I’d watched this movie once when I was kid, but I only remembered Spock’s death, so rewatching it a couple weeks ago was basically like watching it for the first time (albeit with a major spoiler living in my head like a Vulcan katra). And it far surpassed my vague positive memories! This has it all: tense action, high stakes, amazing character moments, good twists, and a scene-stealing villain. The way that characters, especially Khan and Kirk, are introduced are marvelous (so many delicious dramatics), and the score is great. I love this movie SO MUCH.

(Speaking of the villain, I am retroactively increasingly angry at Star Trek Into Darkness. WHY Benedict Cumberbatch?! If I never see him as Khan again, it’ll be too soon. What a miscast for so many reasons. He’s not really a bad actor, but he sure was the wrong actor for that role. Ugh. Ricardo Montalban all the way. Fight me, JJ Abrams.)

Anyway, the pacing! It’s actually good unlike its awful predecessor, which yes, I am still insulting! I remember pausing this movie after the first five minutes or so and saying to my friend “this is already better than all of The Motion Picture.”

The only weird thing about this story is yet another instance of retconning the TOS canon in these movies: in this case, it’s the existence of David Marcus, Kirk’s son. Am I really supposed to believe that Kirk has had a son this entire time and never mentioned, or even alluded, to him to his friends? I mean, the character of David definitely works in this plot and in Search, but it was still an odd revelation in general.

Other than that, though, I adore this movie. I remember remarking to my friend, right before Spock sacrifices himself, “Imagine being alive and a Star Trek fan in 1982. I probably would have lain down in the theater and asked the earth to swallow me up after the scene we’re about to watch.” For the record, she concurred (but then, we both adore Spock, so that’s to be expected).

And possibly the best part of this movie is that, despite the great loss at its climax, and all the trouble the Enterprise crew just went through, this story ends with hope (for the planet Genesis, for the crew, for Spock). And what’s more Star Trek than to have hope?

Conclusion

It’s hilarious to me that, inadvertently, my ranking has confirmed the age-old Trekkie axiom that the odd-numbered movies aren’t as good as the even-numbered ones. I swear I didn’t mean to do that! I didn’t WANT to do that! I really went into these with an open mind, and honestly, when Search for Spock got bumped down to fourth place, I was quite sad for it. I love that movie, but can’t deny that Undiscovered Country has more than earned its ranking. And honestly, in my opinion, the odd-numbered movies (except for The Motion Picture) aren’t bad, despite what other Trekkies might say! In fact, they’re good! For me, there’s several things to like in Frontier and especially in Search, and I would happily rewatch them!

So that concludes my unhinged Trekkie time for the day. Probably. Odds are I’ll still find an excuse to quote “they are not the hell your whales” today, even if it makes no sense in the conversation. My friends and family will just have to continue dealing with me.

Live long and prosper!